Sydney: Morning Bounces with Kangaroos

Wednesday, May 24th

I’m mentally crying as we land in Sydney. It’s 6:45am and the sun is turning the horizon neon pink-orange. The color bleeds into the ocean as I catch the first sight of land. It looks jagged and jungle-y and—STOP THE PLANE—like it’s about to be my next adventure.

The flight over couldn’t have gone more smoothly. I actually get flight anxiety, so 13.5 hours on a plane wasn’t what I was personally looking forward to most about traveling to Australia. But I took a sleeping pill with a glass of wine and knocked out for the entire ride, waking up only at the exact times food was being served. Nailed it!

We’re staying at Kings Cross Backpackers Hostel for this first leg of our trip. When we arrive to check in, the receptionist tells us we made it in time for the free breakfast. What a treat! For a second I’m really thrown off since it legitimately feels like 2pm. Then I check the time and see that it’s not even 10am. Jesus, I’m already screwed by this time change. But I’m not complaining about free food right now!

Exploring Sydney

As we adventure around the city for the rest of the day, I notice Sydney feels rather hipster and similar to Chicago, with its bougie neighborhoods, bars, cafes, and restaurants. Speaking of food, Subway doesn’t have real bacon, only stupid ham “bacon” that is actually tasteless. I find that out the hard way. Zero stars on TripAdvisor.

We see Chinatown, exchange some currency, walk through pretty parks (check out the Royal Botanic Garden), comment on how the sun isn’t directly overhead at noon, bitch about how an Arizona tea is $5.50 (USD) at the convenience store, try to get used to traffic moving on the left side of the road, try to figure out where to look for cars before crossing the road (a fun game called “from which direction would a car hit me first?”), and try to remember how to get home.

After a solid day of exploring, Tammy and I are back at the hostel. The plan is to get ready and hang out on the rooftop until it’s time to go to Dubstep Night at The World Bar just down the street. We meet some English guys, Jimi and Browny, who’ve just arrived from traveling Southeast Asia. They’re now staying in Australia on working holiday visas and are stressed about finding work. To help them destress, I introduce them to Malaa.

https://soundcloud.com/confession/malaa-notorious-original-mix

Tip: Listen to this while you’re filling out job applications and you’ll feel like you could rob a bank afterward!

The World Bar

Then Tammy and I gotta jet to The World Bar. When we get there, I notice the crowd looks super young, and I remember the legal drinking age is 18. It lowkey seems like these kids are way better at handling their alcohol than most Americans. I move to the bar to wait for my turn to order a drink and strike up a conversation with a local girl who tells me that flashing the bartender never works as a way to get their attention. Hey thanks, I was about to try that!

Then I look over at the bartender and realize he’s wearing a Colorado crewneck! I immediately feel the urge to yell “Hey, I’m from Colorado!!!” at him because I cannot believe he’s wearing that. But when he comes over to take my order and I tell him in a normal voice, he says “cool” and turns away to keep working. …….. Ok.

Back at our table, Tammy, some newfound girlfriends and I drink a blue concoction out of teapots and gear up for the dancefloor, which is a completely different world. It’s dubstep night all right. One of the DJs actually looks like Slushii. I meet a guy at the bar on that side of the venue who insists on buying me a drink to welcome me to Australia. He introduces me to his friends back at their table, and they force me to double-fist for the rest of the night. Their reasoning: “We’re feeding you drinks tonight because it’s your first night here!” Can confirm Aussies like to drink.

Thursday, May 25th

Sydney Opera House

Allowing ourselves a slow start to the day, we wander over to the Sydney Opera House and Harbour Bridge. On our way, we peer into the harbor water to try and spot the deadly jellyfish we were warned about, but they must be sleeping. The Opera House is pretty neat, but I wish it was open so we could check out the inside.

Sydney Harbour Bridge

As for the Sydney Harbour Bridge, apparently you can pay large sums of money ($125 USD on a weekday and $145 USD on a weekend) to climb it, but it’s not even cool climbing, it’s just walking up stairs. You can do that anywhere!

Manly Beach

We take a ferry to Manly Beach, where only attractive, tan, fit, and wealthy people live. Aka surfers. Just kidding, but there are still a bunch of surfers out on the water even though it’s the beginning of winter. The water is still warm enough to swim in, so why not?

We buy “the best fish and chips in Australia” on the boardwalk and sit on the beach to watch surfers get eaten by waves. Pretty soon, the seagulls start inching closer and closer to us and our food, making us super uncomfortable. Then a seagull actually swoops out of the sky and snatches a fry out of my hand, and I tell Tammy I need to get out of there before I start throwing punches.

On the way back to catch the ferry, I witness a man walking with his cat perched on his shoulders. You can’t make this stuff up.

Topless Thursday at O’Malley’s Pub

Tonight is quiz night at our hostel, but our roommates convince us there’s something better to do this evening: go to Topless Thursday at O’Malley’s Pub. You bet we can’t wait to find out what that means!

Turns out it means a cocktail waitress walks around topless serving everyone drinks. And she doesn’t even collect tips. So I’m really unsure about where the motivation to do this comes from—I’m still working on understanding Australia. Although I do see “Fuck Trump” scratched into the wood of a bathroom stall while I’m there and understand that!

Friday, May 26th

Sydney Fish Market

Today is the day. We are heading to the famous Sydney Fish Market. Upon entering the sacred ground, I am immediately shook. Everything is beautiful. They make even the grossest-looking seafood look delectable—like something that would taste really good if you gave it a lick.

Today is also the day we’re seeing Slumberjack at The Metro Theatre. Our friend Jess, who has been traveling Australia for the past couple weeks, is meeting us back in Sydney for the show. This is her last weekend in Australia, so we have no choice but to send it.

There’s nothing like reuniting with one of your best friends in another country across the world! We head to a bar to grab a drink before hitting the theatre, and I’m first in line to get carded. The carder looks at my passport and asks how old I am. “Are you seventy?” Thinking he’s joking because I look like I’m 12 wearing my cat ears, I say, “Yeah I’m seventy,” sarcastically.

But he persists. “No I need to know how old you are, are you seventeen?” Tammy and Jess chime in, telling me to stop messing around, he’s actually asking for my age. This time, I hear that he said seventeen not seventy, but again, I think he’s asking because of my outfit, so I’m really sassy when I say, “No I’m not seventeen!” He asks one more time, getting super serious with me. “How old are you?” I stare at him for a second, tell him I’m 21, really unsure of what’s going on anymore, and he lets me in. My friends explain that he was serious the whole time and yell at me for being an idiot. Oops!

As we leave the bar and start walking to the theatre, Tammy tries to coordinate meeting up with and saying hello to a guy she met in Amsterdam while studying abroad. I’m honestly getting sketched out because it’s getting late and we bought e-tickets off a rando who could have sold multiple copies, meaning if anyone else has a copy and has their ticket scanned to go in before us, our tickets won’t work. So I insist that we have to be the first people in line when doors open just to be sure we get in. Because I would sit on the curb in my pasties and cat ears and cry like a kitten if we didn’t.

Tammy’s Sketchy Friend

By some random act of the universe, Tammy spots her friend driving past us on the street and waves him down. He sees her and pulls over so we can hop in. The first thing that comes out of his mouth is, “Next time, don’t hit me up on Snapchat, use my burner cell.” We all laugh. Tammy says, “Oh a burner cell, that’s legit, aight cool.” But then he says, “Yeah this is my getaway car,” completely serious.

We start to think maybe he wasn’t kidding about the burner cell. But we continue on to normal conversation after Jess and I introduce ourselves. Ollie is glad to meet us but apologizes if he seems a bit off. He tells us, “It’s been a rough time. A couple of my friends just got murdered.” Wait, what??

Tammy throws him a bone when she asks, “Just curious, how deep into this scene are you..?” He responds that he can’t tell her over Snapchat, he’d have to tell her in person sometime. Tammy has a slight panic attack out loud about being affiliated with an Australian drug lord, and his response is, “Relax, you’re just a tourist!”

Needless to say, it’s time to jet. We jump out of the car, say good-bye to Ollie, and scurry to the theatre.

Slumberjack at The Metro Theatre

I’m so relieved when our tickets scan without a problem. I don’t even mind when the carder asks how old I am. What I do mind is when the same man later stops me as I’m on my way to the restroom (not 15 minutes later) and asks to check my passport again. I kindly remind him I just showed it to him—I was the one wearing minimal clothing and cat ears. I have a hard time believing you don’t remember. He lets me on my way, but I catch him watching me later, as if he’s looking for a reason to kick me out. (This incident should have forewarned me about the creepy security system in Sydney. I’ll get to that later.)

But Slumberjack come on and slay me so hard I forget about everything that happened today, even the sushi I got from the fish market. Psyche! I could never forget about the sushi! Gotcha!! I really am impressed with their performance though. Why haven’t they popped off in the U.S. yet?

Afterward, we run into the DJ pair on our way out of the theatre. I tell them how their set at the smallest stage of Lollapalooza last year was the best thing I’ve ever seen, and how I couldn’t believe the whole festival wasn’t there for it.

Fletcher doesn’t seem very interested in the conversation, but Morgan is super flattered. He tells us they’re moving to LA to keep working on music. I say I’ll see them back in the States! We all grab a badass pic together before my friends and I scram out into the night, the last ones out of the theatre.

Voltak

Out on the street, the most amazing beatboxer I have ever encountered is performing, drawing a crowd.  His name is Voltak (seriously, check this dude out). Jess actually spends ten minutes investigating for hidden wires or recorders or something that would explain how legit he sounds. No dice—he really is that good!

Check out some of the footage I got→ voltak

3 Wise Monkeys

After Voltak’s performance, we realize we can’t get into Star Bar or any classy clubs because Jess is wearing thongs (flip flops), but a local couple directs us to a place that might let her in: 3 Wise Monkeys just down the street. Success!

The downstairs area is super tame, but something fun seems to be happening on the second level. There’s cover, but we want to dance so we pay it. Cue three hours of dancing to Melbourne bounce amidst dozens of Asians with sick dance moves. Double success!

Sunday, May 28th

Vivid Sydney

We have a 7:25am flight to Cairns tomorrow morning, but I convince Tammy there’s magic in the air, so we should go out tonight! She totally believes me because next thing we know, we’re walking around with a flask, checking out the colorful lights decorating downtown for Vivid Sydney (annual light, music, and ideas festival), and planning where to meet up with those English guys we met our first night.

They say we should come to Sash, a big nightclub located at Darling Harbor. We find them at the harbor and sit down near the water to quench our thirst and meet some of their friends. I feel like we’re being pretty sneaky, considering how drunk and obnoxious these idiots are. There’s security near the water, but he doesn’t seem to be paying any attention to us.

Jimi and Browny tell us how their friend whose birthday is today was just turned away from a bar because he was drunk. I’m honestly wondering how Jimi got in anywhere in his current state. Apparently, security also radioed in this kid’s description to all the other bars and clubs within a mile radius so no one else would let him in… No joke, poor guy will be celebrating his birthday on the street tonight.

As we’re hanging out, Jimi tells me he hasn’t stopped listening to Malaa since I played him on the rooftop that first night. My good deed has been done for the week!

Sydney’s Creepy Security System

Ok guys, it’s time to try to get into this place! We all get up to get in line for Sash, which is right behind us, across a paved walkway. Browny reminds us that security won’t let us in if we seem drunk, so we act like robots. Jimi adds that we’ll have a better chance of getting in if we pretend we’re couples, then grabs Tammy. Smooth, dude.

But as soon as we reach the front of the line, security points at me, Tammy, and Jimi and tells us to step aside out of line for a second. Another man comes over a minute later and tells us he cannot let us in because security cameras caught us with a flask earlier tonight.

I actually have no idea where this footage was taken. Our backs were to all the buildings when we were hanging by the water, and like I said, we were being pretty lowkey. I argue that he doesn’t know what was in the flask. He says it doesn’t matter. It’s annoying, but I’m also kind of spooked.

As we walk away, Tammy tells me to take my cat ears off (of course I’m wearing them again) in case they radioed in my description to the nearby bars. Without them, it’s like I have a disguise.

So that’s a bummer! But at least Tammy gets laid that night! Next stop, scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef.

Things you should know about Australia so far:

• Beans are for breakfast
• They have Aldi
• Wine in a bag is called “goon”
• Signs are either useless or nonexistent any time you are trying to find something
• Just like the traffic here, people travel on the left side of the sidewalk
• Seagulls suck
• There is no real bacon on this continent
• Kangaroos may not actually exist here either—it’s been 5 days and I have not seen one
• On the plus side, obesity doesn’t seem to exist here either

Things you should know about Sydney:

• There are currently no rooms available for rent in the Sydney Fish Market
• So, I would recommend staying at Kings Cross Backpackers Hostel instead—it was really good! The bathroom lighting is incredible.
• 1000% check out Vivid Sydney events (especially the lights downtown at night) if you’re around during it
• Nightlife security is psychotic. Act like you’ve never had a sip of alcohol in your life, or they might not let you in.