Cairns: Not What I Was Expecting

Cairns, Australia, completes the second leg of my backpacking trip in Australia. I thought I had it all planned out—from scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef to embarking on a day-long waterfall tour—but my experience in Cairns wasn’t exactly what I was expecting it to be.

Kuranda Koala Gardens

Tuesday, May 30th

Our shuttle to Kuranda leaves at 8:45am, but since everything around us in Cairns is closed for renovation (entire blocks, for some reason), we decide to grab breakfast in Kuranda instead. I swear, everywhere is lacking signs, and if a place isn’t, the signs are not very clear. We almost miss our shuttle because of that.

We get some dank meat pies that make up for everything once we arrive. The Kuranda Koala Gardens is first. I am not really sure what this will entail.

As we walk in, two workers are “repairing” the wooden bridge over a crocodile-infested creek. It’s obviously a trap, though, so I watch for any sudden movements after the workers lay down planks for us to cross the human-sized gap. I later read that the force of a freshwater crocodile’s bite is 5,000+ lbs—the most powerful of any living animal. Not today, sir!!

We move on to see some sleeping koalas in a cage and some sleeping snakes in a tank. Next, we get to feed some creatures, including wallabies and kangaroos. (We finally see a kangaroo!!!! Now I need to see one with a joey in its pouch.) Tammy tries to pet a wallaby, and we both think it’s going to punch her. I conclude that you can’t just hang out with koalas and kangaroos on the reg if you want; you kind of have to pay.

Look at this sweet little pademelon!

Birdworld Kuranda

It’s time for Birdworld. You can tell because of all the screeching, horrible sounds coming out of the next area. I’m so thrilled!!! The guy working the front desk warns us to take off any shiny articles, like jewelry and watches, because the birds will peck at them. Good thing one of my cartilage earrings requires pliers to remove. It is this moment that I realize I should have listened to my mother when she told me to stop getting more piercings. I’m just going to have to use my hand to cover it the whole time we’re inside. In we go!

It’s overwhelming from the start; the air is actually reverberating from the screeching and flapping wings everywhere. Birds are constantly swooping. I’m cringing and anticipating one landing on me. I’m not wrong, luckily!! A small, colorful little buddy lands on my shoulder and pecks at the hand covering my ear. It somehow KNOWS I’m hiding shiny metal.

Tammy makes me stand still so she can take pictures, and I’m dying laughing while the bird is eating my hand. I really am not enjoying myself, and a worker asks if I want the bird to get off me. By that time, I’m yelling “Ow, yes!!” even though the pecks don’t actually hurt. I just feel like the bird is going to get ambitious and aggressive and drill through my fingers and clamp its beak around my earring and try to fly away with it and THAT would actually hurt.

Now I’m really over these birds. But I paid for this, so I have to keep going. The rest isn’t too bad. My favorite part is seeing food put out for the birds: a dead mouse lying on a bed of fruit. A small bird is perched on the tray, and I bet it’s getting really pissed off about the contamination.

Barron Falls

I tap out of Birdworld because my hand is cramping up.  Tammy comes out in another hot minute, and we head out to hike some trails.  What we thought would be a hiking trail to Barron Falls (a cool-looking waterfall) is actually just an uphill road that leads to a car park (parking lot) for the waterfall an hour later.  

We decide to keep going to a viewpoint that “overlooks all of Cairns” first since it was past the waterfall a bit.  We hike another ten minutes only to be completely disappointed by the view—like there were actually trees in the way. I guess it takes a lot to impress you once you’ve hiked a couple 14ers.

This view apparently overlooks all of Cairns.

We turn back to Barron Falls and are completely disappointed again; it’s the dry season so all that’s left of this beast waterfall is a trickling stream. It’s about another hour to get back to town, and my leg is about to fall off (I’m still recovering from a broken leg). I’m pretty determined to hitchhike back, but no one bites. Maybe they just use a different hand signal to hitchhike in Australia. At least we got some exercise today!

Google what it looks like during the wet season for comparison!

The Great Barrier Reef

Wednesday, May 31st

Today we are scuba diving in the Outer Great Barrier Reef, and I’m pretty stoked about getting to do that before the reef dies out. I hear it’s looking sad already. I actually know nothing about scuba diving, though, so I’m asking Tammy questions about what I’m getting myself into, like “What time do you think lunch will be served?” Just kidding, but I’m not sure I understand how I’ll be getting around underwater on an introductory dive.

We board the Passions of Paradise ship and get comfy at the rear. A crew member hosts an introductory meeting and mainly talks about sea sickness, which makes me afraid I’ll get seasick even though I’ve never gotten seasick before. I ask Tammy if we should buy seasickness pills at the bar below, but she says, “Nah, I’m gonna ride it out.”

Naturally, we’re both sick 45 minutes into the ride, but she has it a lot worse. We take seasickness pills even though we were told to take them before we start feeling sick. We pray they still work. Good thing there is over an hour left until we anchor! Also, good thing a crew member is teaching us intro-divers what to do as I’m mentally trying not to be physically sick.

It’s happening!

I think that I maybe should have looked into it a bit more once the crew starts passing out forms we have to sign confirming we know we could potentially die and that the crew is in no way responsible. But potential death tends to be a risk factor for all activities I engage in on a regular basis, so what’s new?

They suited me up in an XXS wetsuit and kids’ flippers, goggles, and oxygen tank. Ha!

Turns out, scuba diving is the coolest thing I’ve ever done. My seasickness dissipates amidst the thrill of sinking deep under the ocean. My instructor even lets me loose to explore on my second dive. The reef is in a heartbreakingly worse condition than I expected; so much of the color has dulled or faded altogether. I’m happy to see all the fish have retained their color and liveliness though!

I also make a friend in my dive group; her name is Charlie, and she took a gap year to travel Australia for a year after graduating high school. How badass! Turns out, she’s attending Colorado University at Boulder in the fall. It’s funny how the universe works.

After I climb out of the ocean for the day, I can’t find my thongs anywhere on the boat. I search for half an hour and check the lost-and-found, but they are gone. The crew says the wind likely blew them off the deck and into the water. Super! I imagine baby turtles surfing on them and feel better.

I walk most of the way home barefoot once we return to the dock but manage to stop at a convenience store to buy another pair of thongs before we reach our hostel. Tammy and I decide to call it a night after dinner because we’re exhausted and have a full day ahead of us in the morning.

Millaa Millaa Falls

Barefoot Tours Cairns

Thursday, June 1st

We booked a waterfall tour with Barefoot Tours for today, which may have been a bad idea considering it’s the dry season. That’s something we didn’t think about though, so the plan is just to make the most of it!

Nice weather would have helped, but it’s cloudy, cold, and rainy. We all load onto the bus, and our tour guide, Ron, takes us away. Ron is an entertaining character. He has us all introduce ourselves, then announces we’ll be making a stop at a grocery/liquor store, so now would be the perfect time to pick up a bag of goon (wine)!

You don’t have to tell Tammy and me twice! The majority of the crew ends up picking up some form of alcohol, and I’m looking forward to the bus getting rowdy. After continuing our journey towards our first stop on the tour, it’s not long before Ron dubs Tammy and me “goonheads.” As dutiful goonheads, we proceed to teach everyone how to slap the bag. Ron proceeds to refer to us as goonheads for the rest of the day.

The first stop is a crocodile-infested lake that we are encouraged to swim in. Apparently it’s only one harmless croc, and almost everyone jumps in. But I know that if I get wet now, I’ll be cold and miserable for the rest of the day. I hike around the lake and look for the crocodile instead.

Millaa Millaa Falls

Our next stop is the waterfall from the Herbal Essences commercial—the one with the model in the water flicking her hair back. Tammy and I, naturally, slap the bag in front of it, and soon, people are asking us if they can take the same photo with our goon.

We have lunch at this location, and to our excitement, a couple of cassowaries join us! These are the huge birds that Tammy and I have been seeing depicted on road signs all over, warning drivers to slow down. Their appearance is actually a super rare occurrence, and everyone is freaking out and creeping closer to try and get a picture.

Ron warns us to stay back because they’ll attack, especially since it’s a parent and a baby cassowary. I’m honestly expecting someone to be an idiot and get too close, provoking them into aggression. Luckily, everyone plays it cool and lets the birds continue on their way, uninterrupted.

We have to hike to get to the last couple waterfalls. The last one is the real treat: there’s a natural waterslide made of flat, smooth sheets of rock angling down into a pool. I can’t resist being cold and miserable this time as I slide down again and again.

Gilligan’s Bar

By now, I’m feeling pretty warm from the goon, so the wet ride back to town isn’t so bad. We kill the rest of the goon, incapacitating Tammy in the process. Even though we get back to our hostel with enough time to get ready to go out, Tammy is donezo. I go out alone anyway because I want to know what this wild party hostel is all about.

We’re staying at Gilligan’s Backpackers Hostel for this leg of our trip. We chose this hostel because it’s also home to Gilligan’s Bar, a popular nightlife venue in the area, and we wanted to stay somewhere social and fun!

I end up running into Charlie while in line for a drink, and we meet some cool German guys who teach us how to roll our own cigarettes. I’m actually awful at this, but Charlie’s turns out pretty well. Mine is barely smokeable. Good thing I don’t smoke cigarettes!

The scene at Gilligan’s is interesting, to say the least. It seems like most people here are vacationing, not backpacking. Most of the females are dressed up and wearing heels. The music is all mainstream dance and pop hits. Shirtless men are serving free, cheap champagne mixed with something sugary and fruity to long lines of females because it’s ladies night. Meanwhile, a voice is announcing that registration for the pole dancing competition tonight is closing shortly. I also get clique-y vibes when I normally get community-like vibes at backpackers hostels. It’s tougher to approach people because of this.

I’m over everything after a few hours of mingling. I can’t watch the pole dancing competition, so I hang out at the opposite end of the bar (it’s a pretty big place with an upstairs area as well). Needless to say, this is not the kind of party hostel I want to be staying at.

Friday, June 2

It’s our last night in Cairns, and we have a 7:25am flight to Melbourne. Needless to say, we’re sending it tonight.

We have to finish the rest of the vodka we brought from Sydney, too, because we’re not about to bring it to Melbourne next—I can’t believe we even still have it. Tonight, I’m giving Gilligan’s one last chance to be the kind of place I want to end up at on a Friday night.

Because the bar holds raunchy, degrading events like wet T-shirt and pole dancing competitions pretty much every night, I doubt Gilligan’s will ever win me over. Although they sometimes host EDM DJs, no one had been booked during our stay, unfortunately. That would have been an event I could get down to.

Smashing some “real” drinks, aka vodka water limes.

On the semi-plus side, it’s also ladies night pretty much every night, so Tammy and I get a few glasses of champagne for free once we get down to the bar. I ask the shirtless man for straight champagne, no mixer, and he pours it up. He doesn’t grant Tammy’s same request for some reason, which I find hilarious.

After we get some real drinks, Tammy starts hitting it off with a British guy (surprise), and I make friends with some guys in the Australian military. One of these guys can’t stop talking about how much he loves Walmart.

I end up running around town all night with a local. He takes me to exactly the kind of place I want to end up at on a Friday night: an underground bar bumping house music. Then we take a dip in the Cairns Esplanade Lagoon, a massive and scenic public pool in the middle of town. Why don’t we have things like this in the States!

Cairns Esplanade Lagoon

Cairns Recap

Before arriving in Cairns, I felt like I had a pretty solid experience ahead of me with the Koala Gardens, Birdworld, the waterfall tour, scuba diving, and my expectations for hiking around the area (as well as for nice weather). It also seemed like a no-brainer to stay at Gilligan’s Backpackers Hostel for the nightlife aspect.

In reality, the Koala Gardens was short of spectacular, Birdworld was not my thing, the waterfall tour was more suitable for a summertime/wet season expedition, there were no beaches or hiking spots nearby to take advantage of, and Gilligan’s was 1000% percent not for me. The poor planning was definitely on me (I actually didn’t look into anything for this part of the trip), so take these insights into consideration as you plan your own travels to Cairns, Australia.

All mediocrity aside, the unbeatable highlight was scuba diving in the Barrier Reef! That was an experience of a lifetime and one I would recommend to anyone. I can’t wait to do it again in another part of the world!

Things you should know about Australia so far:

  • Be aware of dry season as you plan excursions into scenic nature!
  • Meat pies are like the national food (as they should be)

Things you should know about Cairns:

  • There are no nearby beaches if you stay in the CBD
  • The Kuranda Koala Gardens are not worth it. If you want to catch some wildlife in action, take a roadtrip and hike around the national parks!
  • Birdworld is even less worth it. I may be biased because I don’t think birds are that cool.
  • DO NOT stay at Gilligan’s Backpackers Hostel unless you can fall asleep to pounding bass and drunk humans yelling all night. Take it from someone who likes to party.
  • Gilligan’s Bar is on the grimey side of nightlife venues. There are other bars to explore in the area, so don’t limit yourself to this one.